On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate your sex life?
If you are like most couples, you probably fall into the below average range. That’s right, most Christian couples struggle sexually and don’t know how to fix the problem. But God does and here’s how…
Scripture is very clear that God created sex to be experienced and enjoyed by a husband and wife within the context of marriage (see my blog post, Great Sex) Given that God is the author of sex, it would seem logical that He would know how to make it the best it can be. So if you find your sex life lacking, here is God’s remedy for your struggle.
1. Strive For Mutual Fulfillment
1 Corinthians 7:3-4 – The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
It’s important to notice where Paul the Apostle placed the responsibility for sexual success within a marriage. He didn’t tell married couples how to find sexual pleasure, instead, he instructed them on how to provide sexual pleasure. In other words, every husband has a responsibility to sexually please his wife and vice versa. It’s a conjugal right, or to put it another way, a marital duty. Your focus for success shouldn’t be on you but on your spouse!
Now in order to accomplish this, you have to know your spouse’s sexual desires. Think about sex in terms of an appetite. Just like you know your spouse’s appetite for food, you should also know your spouse’s appetite for sex. In order to do this, it requires communication. It means you have to talk, ask questions, share, and be vulnerable with each other. Your spouse is not a mind reader and if you’re relying on hints and indirect signals to communicate, you will find your marriage in a place of perpetual sexual frustration.
Be intentional and ask the “what” and “when” questions. What is fulfilling for you? What do you find exciting? When do you like or not like it?” In order to improve your sex life, you must be a good learner. You must be intentional and communicate. Although it may be uncomfortable at first, the more you work at it, the more sexually fulfilling your marriage will become. If you stay private and avoid the topic, you will stay immature in this area and continue to struggle. Remember, mutual fulfillment requires mutual compromise so be patient and loving with each other as you grow in the process.
2. Install Protective Measures
1 Corinthians 7:5 – Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Paul makes it clear that a “low-sex” marriage is in danger of spiritual attack. Abstinence, although allowed under certain conditions (i.e. mutual agreement, limited timeframe, and spiritual devotion) will always put your marriage at risk. This is because Satan wants to destroy anything that God has created including marriage and sex.
So be on guard and install protective measures. One way to do this is to know and monitor your spouse’s sexual frequency and level of arousal. In other words, if you know how many times a week your spouse wants sex and that isn’t happening, you will be alerted to any potential problem early on. If you know what is sexually arousing to your spouse and find that no longer works, then again you will be alerted to any potential problem or temptation that may be taking place. By monitoring each other’s frequency and level of arousal, loving discussions of concerns can occur along with developing new ways to keep the focus within the marriage. The goal isn’t to make each other wrong but to protect one another against sexual temptation from the enemy.
As a Christian, always remember that God wants your sex life to thrive and not just survive. This won’t happen by accident and will require intentional effort, communication, and protection. So if your sex life is struggling, don’t avoid the topic or go silent. In doing so you will not only miss out on the tremendous blessings God has for you but also put you and your spouse at risk!
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Click here to comment.